Humble Beginnings

I feel like I've grown a lot as a writer in the 10+ years I've been writing. I still have, in it's original state, one of the first poems I wrote and the very first one I read in front of an audience. I just read it and have to say, it's not bad. Not bad at all.

I remember a day when I couldn't read my own work without being critical and saying it really wasn't that great. But someone has recently taught me how to read my own writing from a reader's perspective rather than the writer's. It's made a huge difference.

So with all that being said, here is one of my first poems. Circa 2005 - 2006.

Yesterday I cried, a blank sheet of
paper staring me in the face,
wanting to write but words escape
my mind - are my feelings really
that profound and thought provoking?
It doesn't have to be perfect
for life is far from it.
Who am I that I can't find myself
because I can only create
myself, or so I once read.
I simply have an empty shell,
a mere existence, with the
years speeding by like a bullet train,
my life a blur of fields and mountains
and cities to stop and breathe,
but when I stop I am lost beyond reason,
afraid of going any which way
for fear of running in the wrong
direction.
Afraid of losing of what little
of me I already know.
I know that he comes to me
in my dreams, that most private
state of my consciousness when
that intricate web of emotion
lingers in his touch, his skin
upon mine whispering secrets
of mysteries of the heart.
Confusion pursues those dreams
I long to be a reality and
where guidance is due, I turn
my eyes to the only Father
I not only love, but like --
Letters to God they are my sweet
relief, venting and mending to someone
rather than to that blank sheet
of paper. How can I blame Him
for every thought I feel wen his
very breath is my own?
Yesterday I cried to the uncertainties
I fear, how can the puzzle pieces
of my life become more clear?
The puzzle pieces that are scattered
here and there, back on that
bullet train where childhood should
have gotten off and when I realize
damn I'm an adult responsibility
hits me, stopping me in my tracks,
afraid to go forward and not
being able to go back.
In 26 years I'll be able to say,
"Yesterday I cried, a blank sheet
of paper staring my in the face
and I began writing with my tears."
And in the end I'll burn those pages
so that I - I will return to dust.

My Painted Life

I am but an artist
Alone with the ink
In my pen.
I color the blank canvas
With words,
Using hues so deep
I create visual arts
In the mind;
A picture in a
Thousand words.
They are lost
Memories remembered;
A dance of emotions
Expressed in a song.
My pen flies across
The barren landscape
Of white,
Telling the story of
My painted life
With it's perfect imperfections
In each pen stroke
Of my imagination.

Light the Embers

For when the world
Is lonely;
When loves last light
Casts a shadow,
The sky cries
For those who
Are lost
With no shelter
From the storm.
No comfort from
The sun,
No eyes to see
Past the pain,
Only the endless
Thundering
Of empty hearts,
Bursts of light
Shatter the darkness
Leaving slivers of
Hope for the weary,
Hope for a rainbow
In the light
Long lost in the
Path of life.
For when the world
Is lonely;
When loves last light
Casts a shadow
There is always a
Spark to ignite
The embers,
The dreamers,
The lovers.
For this is the
Only life.
Live it to say
"I lived."

Children of the Night

She was sure this was where he  disappeared, but then again she hadn't been there. Not with him. It was deep in the forest where a clearing was overgrown with wildflowers and leaves littered the ground.
Unlike the police and the search party, the young girl took her lantern and went to search by the light of the moon. Sometimes the shadows revealed things that the light of day did not. As she went on her way a little voice inside her head kept asking how she could help. She was, after all, just a girl. She kept shaking it off until it got so loud she could no longer ignore it.
Stopping in her tracks she looked up through the tree branches to the starry sky above.  "How can I help, you ask?" She said a loud to the trees. "Because this is where I, too, disappeared.
Refocusing, she stood directly in the center of the clearing,  holding her lantern out looking for any clues. Placing the lantern near her feet, she knelt down and rummaged  among the leaves begging the forest to talk to her. Her searching became frantic. She needed to find clues because this boy's family missed him just as she was missed. The wind shifted rustling the leaves. Just like that she saw it. A footprint beneath the leaves. Not just any footprint but that of a child.
Moving along the leaves she saw another and another. She stood and followed them to the edge of the forest where they abruptly stopped.
"No! No, no, no!" She cried out as she continued to search the surrounding area. Suddenly, something hit her. Why hadn't the police seen these before?  Upon closer inspection she could tell that these prints were not fresh. So why hadn't they seen them?
Because footsteps of the dead could not be seen by the living.
With tears in her eyes she looked up to see him standing there motioning for her to come with him.
"Where are we going?" She asked taking a step towards him.
"Home." She took his hand and just like that they were gone.

On Writing...

I haven't written a new poem since before Easter of this year. I remember a time when I used to write ALL the time. I'm not sure where that drive and motivation went, but I want to start writing more. It is hard, though, between work, helping Bella with her homework, dinner, bath, etc. I just finished writing this poem and wanted to share. Hopefully I'll have more to share coming soon.

Enjoy!

The night sky blazes

With millions of stars,

I travel on through

But don’t get very far.

Gravity holds me down

When I don’t want to drown.

I want to reach for

What I believe in - -

The universe holds my dreams.

The sunny days drench

The earth with its kiss,

Holding tight so as

Not to miss

The growth from within,

And the reason to win.

I want to reach for

What I believe in - -

The world is my stage.

I dance to the music

And sing in the rain

My heart is on fire

To melt away the pain

Let me see what others

Fail to see

When I reach for

What I believe in - -

The Lord is a lamp at my feet. (Ps. 119)

To guide me through

The darkest days

An Itty Bitty Vent Post

Sometimes being a parent sucks. There, I said it. It does, especially as a single parent when your child is being a pain in the ass and you don't have someone to say "hey take over so I can go have a time out before I do/say something I'll regret later."

When you're at the park and your child refuses to leave, so you say they are going to stay there and you walk away, all eyes soley on you. Praying that your child will soon follow suit as you save face, telling yourself that you're doing the right thing.

Wanting to give in to so many things because you don't have to energy to fight. Between full time work, cooking, cleaning, homework. Then on top of the worries of if you're doing things ok as a parent. All the worries of keeping the household together fall on your shoulders alone.  It's exhausting.

Something miraculous happened tonight, though. My child got in trouble at school for pushing one of her classmates because she wouldn't get out of her way {which resulted in a busted lip). I was disappointed, sure, and I talked to her about why we don't push our friends. The rest of the evening went much the same way with attitude. She told me to shut up when I was singing. She made a fuss because she couldn't watch a movie as a consequence for her action at school. Through all of this I remained calm and relaxed. I'm not sure exactly what changed today when I used to get so stressed out.

Maybe it's because so many things have changed in our lives. We've been through a lot, but the 2 of us are still here, breathing. We have been taking our own adventures (we used to always go with my mom) like a day trip to Galveston, The Museum of Natural Science, Hermann Park, the kite festival. As much as I enjoy doing things with my mom, I have greatly enjoyed these bonding times with my daughter. We are like 2 peas in a pod.

As I've said, sometimes being a parent sucks, but I wouldn't change it for anything. It's watching her go from being scared of swinging too high, to kicking herself off the ground and swinging her legs back and forth. Going higher and higher. Watching her climb up and down and through things. Watching her learn and grow at school. Becoming more independent but at the end of the day knowing that they still need you just as much as you still need them.

I can't imagine my life without her.

Lenten Blog #1

 

I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

 

"For dust you are and to dust you shall return" (Genesis 3:19).

 

In the season of ashes, repentance, renewal

I give my all to thee,

my Lord of all who saved me

my heart is full and free.

I pray to you for kindness, mercy,

and repair,

I know I am not perfect,

but only You so fair

know me from the inside

to each and every layer.

I've had my doubts and hesitations

though this season brought me

to fruition.

To learn and grow

with the need to know

You're with me everywhere.

In the wind and trees,

in the earth I see

the beauty that You created.

When times get hard

I will heed Your call

so to keep my faith from falling.

With You and in You

I will Rise.